Going Public: Steps 8 and 9 and the Hard Work of Making Amends

The further you go in the 12 Steps, the harder they get. So much of the early work is internal. You've made your moral inventory. You've confessed your shortcomings before God and a trusted person. You've become willing to ask God to remove your character defects. That's all deeply personal, often painful work done mostly in private.

But Steps 8 and 9? Now we go public.

Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is the work of mending relationships broken by our past behavior. And Jesus had a lot to say about it.

What Jesus Said About Reconciliation

In Matthew 5, Jesus paints a vivid picture. Imagine you've waited in line at the temple for an hour, maybe two. You've got your lamb with you. You finally reach the front and the priest is ready to receive your offering. Then it hits you: you cheated your business partner last week. You lied to him.

Jesus says: leave your gift. Go make it right. Then come back.

That's a radical priority. He's saying that your relationship with your brother or sister is more important than your religious ritual. You can't stand before God pretending everything is fine while someone out there is carrying a wound you inflicted.

He also addresses the flip side in Matthew 18: if someone has wronged you, don't wait for them to come crawling back. Go to them. When Peter asks how many times he has to forgive someone who keeps sinning against him, suggesting seven times, Jesus answers: not seven, but seventy times seven. Stop counting. It's about the relationship, not the scoreboard.

Three Truths Worth Sitting With

#1. Every sin is a sin against God. Romans 3:23 reminds us that all have fallen short. When Joseph refused Potiphar's wife, he didn't just frame it as loyalty to his employer; he said, "How could I sin against God?" When David was confronted after his affair with Bathsheba, he cried out, "Against you and you alone have I sinned." Every hurt we cause ripples outward, and the ripples reach God.

#2. Every sin hurts someone else. It started in Genesis 3, when one act of disobedience shattered the relationship between Adam and Eve. It continued in Genesis 4, when Cain's unchecked anger destroyed his relationship with his brother leading to violence and murder. James puts it plainly: knowing the good you should do and not doing it is sin. Our selfishness doesn't stay contained to us.

#3. God wants us to patch things up. In 2 Corinthians 5, Paul says God reconciled the world to himself through Christ and then handed us the ministry of reconciliation. We've been forgiven of incredible things. Now we're called to extend that same grace outward.

How to Actually Do It

Make your list.

Not a list of people who have wronged you (that one comes naturally), but a list of people you have wronged. Think back honestly. The offhand comment that landed wrong. The time you weren't there when it mattered. The broken trust. One helpful framework is four columns: right now, maybe, later, and never. Who can you reach out to today? Who requires more time and discernment? Who has passed away, or who has cut off contact completely?

Become willing.

Don't rush this. If you aren't ready, or they aren't ready, forcing it can cause more harm than good. Sit with the list. Pray over those names. Let it right-size the problems in your mind. Some things you've blown up; others you've minimized. Doing the internal work first means you can approach these conversations from a healthier place, not in a panic, not drowning in shame, but calm and clear.

Approach the person.

"I'm sorry" is a good start, but it's not the whole step. Zacchaeus is the model here. After his encounter with Jesus, he didn't just apologize; he volunteered to give half his possessions to the poor and repay anyone he'd cheated four times over. He went above and beyond the bare minimum. That's what real amends look like. It's owning the specific harm, not a vague "sorry if I hurt you." And it's paired with restitution: paying back money owed, changing the behavior that caused harm, making concrete changes.

When direct contact isn't possible, indirect amends still matter. Write the letter even if you never send it. Visit the grave and say what needs to be said. Donate to a cause they loved. Do the work for your own sake, not just theirs.

Whose Responsibility Is It?

Paul writes in Romans 12: if possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Not "wait until they come around." Not "once they apologize first." As far as it depends on you.

The 12 Steps and the teachings of Jesus land in the same place: it's your responsibility. Mine. Whether you caused the harm or received it, you make the first move. You don't sit with your arms crossed waiting. You go.

Jacob thought his relationship with Esau was unsalvageable. Esau had wanted him dead. But decades later, when Jacob finally went to face him, Esau ran toward him, threw his arms around him, and they wept together. Paul eventually reconciled with John Mark, the young man who had abandoned their mission, and later wrote, "bring Mark with you, for he is useful to me in the ministry."

Broken doesn't always mean beyond repair.

So make the list. Sit with it. Pray over it. Then, when you're ready, go.

Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. (Colossians 3:14)